Episode 6 Podcast > Full Transcript
Nicole Witt, Greeting:
Hi, listeners, welcome back to Adopting! The Podcast. As always, I'm so excited to be your host for this journey. I'm Nicole Witt, Executive Director of The Adoption Consultancy where we guide pre-adoptive parents, step by step, through their adoption journey.
In Adopting! The Podcast, we're going to focus on the issues, questions and concerns you have as you get started in your adoption journey. This is for people just considering, brand new to, or early in the process, who are trying to get their questions answered and figure out their best path forward, as well as learn about what to expect and how the process works.
Nicole Witt, Intro:
Today, we're going to shift gears a little bit from the how-tos of adoption and focus instead on something that often gets overlooked: self-care. I find that people do a much better job focusing on self-care when they're going through the medical treatments than they do when they are pursuing adoption. I think that's because the medical treatments are so obviously focused on one's body that perhaps the connection is a bit more clear. There are lots of medical patients who pursue things like meditation, yoga, acupuncture, et cetera, during an IVF cycle, but abandon those efforts when they shift gears to adoption. Yet all of those activities have mental and emotional benefits in addition to physical benefits. And that can all be critical to having as positive and adoption experience as possible.
Today, we're going to discuss the importance of self-care during adoption, the benefits of it, but also the challenges of it and the various approaches one can take.
To discuss this topic, I'm thrilled to have with me today, Sheri Longbottom. Sheri is known online as My Yoga RN. And can be found at myyogarn.com. She has been a licensed registered nurse for over 30 years and is an experienced certified yoga teacher in numerous forms of yoga.
Sherry is also a mindfulness meditation teacher and a certified personal trainer who specializes in helping women on their fertility journey with her various yoga programs, which are offered currently live as well as online, with others going through similar journeys to becoming moms.
Nicole Witt:
Welcome, Sherry. Thank you so much for being here.
Sherry:
Thank you so much, Nicole, for having me.
Nicole Witt:
And I'm also thrilled to welcome Nicole Lang, who's the creator of The Baby You Want Mind-Body program. And she also has a private acupuncture practice called Life Healing Life. Nicole is an acupuncturist and the Mind-Body educator who has exclusively worked in the areas of fertility and trauma since 2006.
As a trauma survivor, with both PCOS and endometriosis herself, Nicole has worked with thousands of women and couples on their family building journey. She has an online 90-day holistic program for all people that are working towards the family of their dreams. Welcome, Nicole. Thanks for being here.
Nicole Lang:
Thank you for having me. I'm already nodding vigorously over here.
Nicole Witt:
Awesome. Well, let's start with the basics. I think one thing that keeps people from practicing self-care is that it often feels like just another item on the to-do list, right? Like, it's something that's going to take a lot of time and actually add stress to their busy lives, as opposed to reducing stress from their lives. How do you guys respond to that?
Sherry:
Well, I would start with saying that, yes, I do hear that quite often. And when women start the program with me, I like to go ahead and explain to them that meditation is one of those wonderful things where you really can take bite size chunks of it. So, maybe you really only need two to three minutes and you will feel the benefits of your mind relaxing, your body relaxing. It really is a beautiful thing. It's this small amount of time. And you don't have to set aside a giant amount of time to do it.
Even us, the teachers that do meditation and reap the benefits of it, only do it a couple of minutes a day. It doesn't take a lot of time to get the results.
So, after that first class, if somebody wants to do a class with me, they feel the benefits after the very first class. The meditation is along with the yoga as well, but you really don't need a lot of time.
Nicole Witt:
Okay, that's great to know.
Nicole, why do you think self-care, during the adoption process, is worth talking about and being proactive around?
Nicole Lang:
Yeah. Well, first of all, you kind of alluded to it in the introduction. So, there's often a lot that comes before. And so, there can be side effects that are lingering, there can be ambivalent, kind of ambiguous grief that’s unresolved, trauma; we know that people that do fertility treatments, about forty six percent of them have been known to have PTSD, and that's with or without a baby. And so, to move into that next phase of considering adoption in that place, it's so important to pause and to honor all that's come before.
And even when adoption is really a crystal clear first choice, it's Plan A, the process of adoption is just really full of two things that humans don't do so well with, which is lack of control and unknowns.
Nicole Witt:
Absolutely.
Nicole Lang:
Sitting with those two things, you can be in great shape, but this process in and of itself just has a lot of intensity and logistics and pressures and that unknown and that lack of control. So, to make that commitment and prioritize, “I want to stay in the best place that I can to go through this process and to parent afterwards” is so important.
Sherry:
Yeah. What Nicole just brought up, if I could just add to it real quick, just because I love what she said; the unknowns. What a great word there. We all feel like we're so busy, whether we're going through the adoption process or you bring the baby home and you have the baby or whatever it is in your life. We always have something where we feel extremely stressed out in various levels. And I do think just learning and practicing just a small amount of self-care not only would serve the person doing it, but also showing their child, once they do have a child, it helps when they're little and it helps to role-model that to your child so that they learn that you are important and taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of others.
We've all heard, “You can't take from a well that's dry.” You have to be able to continue to fill your own well before you can help others. So, it's a beautiful thing that you will be teaching your child. So, I think it's a wonderful thing to just, even small bits. Sorry to go on long about that.
Nicole Witt:
Yeah, no, no. I think that's a really important point. I appreciate you bringing that up.
Do you guys think there are any unique challenges that people going through the adoption process face when it comes to self-care, particularly as opposed to going through medical treatments, for example?
Nicole Lang:
Yeah, I think the con is the main thing that you talked about in your intro, which is it's just so easy to externalize. It’s easy to think, “Okay, well, this child is no longer the focus on my body coming through.” And so, it's easy to say, “Well, I can get back to that after we get through this process. But right now I have to do this paperwork. I have to get this thing filed. I have to get these t's crossed and i's dotted.”
And it's a real disservice because all the things that Sherry said about doing it for yourself, doing it for your future child. But also it's a real disservice because this is a place where you're, as a holistic practitioner, doing those sorts of treatments in that space where the shift isn't about just the treatments or getting pregnant, allows this opportunity to kind of get to the pure essence of what the person really needs. It's not treating side effects. It’s not trying to troubleshoot pelvic blood circulation or things like that that we do with acupuncture a lot of the times during treatments. I want to challenge people to come back to thinking about how much it matters in this space.
Sherry:
Mm hmm. Yeah. I also have quite a few women in my class that start the fertility process and then they decide that they want to go the adoption route and they stay in the group, because they just having the support of the other women. There's still stress going through this process and being able to feel connected with others who are cheering them on and supporting them, because getting a baby is getting a baby. And so, yeah, continuing on, is beneficial for sure for who's going through the process.
Nicole Witt:
Okay, great.
So, before we talk about some of the specific ways that people can practice self-care, is there a best kind of self-care or is there a right way and a wrong way to do it?
Nicole Lang:
This is one of my favorite topics. You could answer it two very different ways. But my approach, I think this goes with what Sherri was talking about, like doing small things that accumulate. Is that to me, the wrong way would be something that I call faux holism.
So, there are things that are technically could be good for you, but they're done in a directive way, “My practitioner is telling me I have to do this many treatments” or “come in this often” or “I have to meditate for an hour” or things like that. So, it ends up looking pushy and strict and rigid and un-customized. And it really feels stressful. It's back to your first question. It kind of tips you more towards imbalance than balance, even though these are technically things that could be good for you if done in a different way.
Versus to me, the right way is something called truly holistic self-care, which is just really listening to what you actually want and have the time and the space and the energy to do. So, it's going to be moderate. It's going to be nuanced and customized and flexible.
And it might be that two minutes of meditation or it might be one yoga class a week instead of going to three or one acupuncture treatment every other week instead of coming twice a week. But it feels actually balanced. It actually shows up in the way that you want it to show up. It's going to be moving you towards abundance and balance versus away from it.
And again, that's where we want to bring a child into. However, we're doing that. And so that's to me the distinction for what's right and what's a wrong way to do it.
Nicole Witt:
Okay, awesome.
So, I want to ask you guys a few specific questions specifically about yoga, acupuncture and meditation. So, let's start with yoga. Sherry, can you just kind of give us a 30-thousand foot view in terms of how can yoga help during the adoption process?
Sherry:
Sure. Yeah, just the same as for the fertility and prenatal students. No different. The women that are going through an adoption process are stressed; have high levels of stress, are thinking about their future just the same, bringing the baby home and being a mother and all of these different things.
So, yoga helps you get in touch with your body, connects that mind, body, spirit because as we know, body is just one part of it and moving and getting circulation and blood flow, yes, that makes you feel great. However, when you connect the mind to it as well, we do meditation at the beginning in the end. And you really focus, bring insight into your body, noticing when you're holding that tension.
And that carries over throughout the day. So, if you're feeling stressed during the day, you may notice, “Hey, let me just take a moment to check in with myself. Maybe my jaw is clenched. I'm holding some stress in my abdomen or my hands” or just noticing things a little bit more about your body can create an awareness where your body is softening and not in that tension or tightness state. And just making it more of a positive experience, getting through the adoption process and beyond.
So, that would be my, I think the yoga and the meditation combined – It's a combo – works beautifully and a lot of the ladies may want to do one or the other, but with time tend to enjoy both of them mixed together because they kind of complement each other very well, whether you’re fertility, prenatal, adoption or beyond. No matter what age you are, it's just another thing to add to your toolbox, to feel good and take care of yourself.
Nicole Witt:
And my understanding is that focusing on breath and breathing is a big part of both the yoga and meditation process. Why does that help and is there a best time to do that?
Sherry:
Some women feel more stressed after their day. However, for me, a typical day is I'll wake up, take some breaths, do a few stretches. It doesn't have to be – I mean, you can do it right in your pajamas before you go brush or whatever. A few stretches, three deep breaths. I hold it for about five seconds and then exhale for about six seconds, just to kind of clear your head, start your day off.
The breath part of it is wonderful because you are getting the oxygen in, you're expanding your lungs. And as I exhale, I just focus on softening on the exhale; softer with each exhale.
So, addressing the question on, is there a great time to do it? I would say, yes, in the morning when you wake up; kind of get started on the on just a few breaths, a couple of stretches, get the day going in a positive mindset. A lot of people like to do it during lunch, a minute or two. You really don't need that – Just a couple stretches and deep breaths. And at night, I would definitely say because when we get in bed, the mind likes to go and think about the whole day and think about the future. To help you stay in a present tense, then do some stretching, some deep breaths. It really does rebalance. It calms the nervous system. It turns on that parasympathetic system where your body is more relaxed and wants to lay down.
And I do have lots of different meditations for getting into bed and quieting the mind and getting more rest, instead of laying there and letting your mind take over.
Nicole Witt:
Right. Is there something different about yoga for those going through adoption? Like what do they get differently from an adoption-focused yoga class versus going to their local yoga studio and just taking any class?
Sherry Witt:
Yeah, one hundred percent. I've thought quite a bit about that. And many of the women have told me, which I love to get feedback from them as well. The difference is, so, for instance, someone going through the adoption process, they're part of a group, if they're with me. And they're meeting other people who really want babies, either they're in the fertility process, they're considering adoption, they may be in the adoption process.
So, they have that support. We are still doing poses that are gentle, restorative, helps kind of calm their nervous system along with the meditation. The support part of it, and being connected with other people that understand, is a giant part of it. And they get the physical and mental parts of it as well.
Then the class after they have their babies or bring their babies home, mom and baby is another beautiful thing because they're still connected with other women who went through quite a bit to get these babies. And now that we're connecting with the babies, the mom and baby, it's a wonderful time to stretch, do a little meditation, connect with your baby, sing little nursery songs, all the different little things.
But it's a community versus if you go into just a regular yoga class at the gym or at a yoga studio, which are wonderful. However, you may just be going in just for the physical part of it and some breath work and no support or connection, if that makes sense.
Nicole Witt:
Yeah, I know. I appreciate you talking about that because I think that community is just so important. And again, that could be something that adds to people's stress like, “Oh, I should go out and talk to these people” or “see these people who are going through the same thing.” Whereas if you're combining that with an activity that is helping to reduce your stress, that's a wonderful way to do it as well.
Let's chat a little bit about acupuncture, Nicole. And I know that you've touched on a couple of these things already, but how can acupuncture be useful to someone going through the adoption journey? Because again, so many times, people think of that as focused on the physical body and preparing your body for pregnancy and that sort of thing.
Nicole Lang:
Yeah. Well, first of all, we don't stop having body issues just because we're not trying to gestate a baby. So, there's always still things going on. So, I think it's important to think about all the ways that acupuncture can be really helpful for working on things, like having headaches or having other hormonal imbalances or cyclical issues as women or sleep issues, digestive issues, all of that stuff continues, regardless of how we're trying to grow our family.
And what we know about acupuncture is that about 80 to 90 percent of bodies will have this really quite blissful – I'm always jealous when I come into the room and I see people that are like, “Oh yup, you're in that camp.” The body will release dopamine and serotonin and endorphins, and it feels like you just did a run, without having to do anything. You’re just laying there listening to a meditation or music. Nice and cozy.
So, it does all these things. Really, you don't have to do anything. You don't have to make a lot of effort. The brain activity calms down so we can look at like FMRIs and watch the brain scans turn increasingly black as the brain quiets down, which is just such a wonderful gift in a place where you have so much to think about. And all the other things that take you out of fight-or-flight and into rest-digest mode are really great.
That said, I just gave a talk last week and I said if I had to pick acupuncture over education and the DIY layers, I would pick education and DIY every time. Because of course, there is a certain percentage of bodies that for complicated, probably genetic reasons, don't have that robust of a response. And the way that you can tell whether you do or not is you kind of get to try it and see how it feels.
But even for those that do have just the most blissful acupuncture body response, they're going to walk out the door and face all that stressful pressure and unknowns and the things that we're talking about. And so that's where the little two-minute breath resets and the feeling your butt on your chair and getting out in nature and playing games with your partner, planning a date night or cultivating a hobby or joy, all of those things aren't talked about as much anywhere in this process.
And so, when we're thinking about those things as self-care, then we walk out the door and we either build from and maintain that reset from the acupuncture or the yoga or the meditation, or we even grow from there. So, I think education and all of the truly self-care self-care stuff is so huge.
Nicole Witt:
I think it's really interesting, the point that you made about the brain scans and what we see there. Does that correlate to people making better decisions or more calm and informed decisions in their life, because that just then takes it down a road of even piling benefit on top of benefit, on top of benefit?
Nicole Lang:
Yeah. And especially when you know how to maintain it. You remember to take the breath at the beginning of your day and you remember to feel where you are in your day as you're sitting at your desk and feeling your fingers on your keys.
I've never seen a study that proves it, but I think it is so intuitive. And that's what I love about holism is that it's so intuitive that if you're doing things that are moving you towards balance, then everything gets more balanced, including the clarity and the choices and the ability to handle hard things; a disrupted adoption or a disappointment or a setback. Like those things still do happen and if you're just building, I think of it as a buffer, right? Is your buffer getting wider or is it getting narrower? And how does that feel to have that wider or narrower buffer in anything you're doing.
And the name of my online program, it's kind of strange at first blush, it's called The Baby You Want, but it comes from this idea like the baby you want is born to a parent with a really wide buffer and a lot of abundance and a lot of skills and tools in their toolbox. And so, it's not necessarily it has to be a biological kiddo from your own uterus, but it could be any number of ways. But what we all really want is health and balance and a family, which is beautiful.
Nicole Witt:
It's awesome. It's a really interesting way of looking at it. So, I know we've talked about how these activities don't need to take up an excessive amount of time. But if that was not a critical factor for somebody, what would you guys say about what really is the ideal frequency? How many times a week? Or would you recommend that somebody do yoga or meditation or acupuncture, really to get substantial benefits out of it?
Nicole Lang:
Sherry, you do want to go.
Sherry:
Well, I would say as far as yoga, I get this question a lot, because a lot of the women that are in the fertility and they're trying, the only new thing they're adding is they think if they do more, then they're going to get different results. So, less is more, sometimes. So, the ones that are exercising and are over exercising, we usually cut that way back. The yoga, usually we do every Saturday. So, they do it once a week and it's an hour. And the support and community part of it, we talk at the beginning and end. So, really, they're only getting maybe 30 to 40 minutes of the yoga and meditation, but that's all they need. And they will get a recording and they can practice it during the week. It depends on each person because we all have different anxieties and different things that raise that anxiety or the levels of stress.
I loved what Nicole said about creating buffers. One hundred percent agree on that. Because I like to tell the students that when they start the class, usually it's kind of like you can go from zero to 10 real quick and get upset about something. The more you practice, over time, not the length, but just practicing in small little bits over time, instead of going from zero to 10 in a short amount of time, getting angry, you may go from zero to five and the time span will take much longer, if that makes sense. So, you have a longer buffer. And you may never get up to Level 10. You may, but it might take a lot longer. And it may be much bigger things than smaller things that used to get that same response.
So, I would say once a week, with a group, because I really do like the accountability and the support and the community. And if you're not able to make a group class, make sure you find a class or something that will send you the recording so that you can still do it once a week. And if you're feeling anxious and you feel like you need to do it more than once a week, maybe a couple of times a week. I usually tell my students don't do it any more than two or three times a week unless you're super stressed out and you want to do it every night, in short amounts, maybe 15 minutes, 20 minutes, not the whole hour.
So, in this case, it's just taking a little bit of time out and looking into your body, noticing how you're feeling that day. And if you feel like, “Oh, I need to do something tonight, maybe before bedtime or when I get home from work to just kind of unwind”, do a little bit of the yoga and meditation, just maybe a little snippet of it. That definitely will help and kind of take the edge off, instead of going to wine.
Nicole Witt:
Right. I think that message of less is more is really important because that's so different than the message we hear in pretty much every other part of our life. So, that can be a hard one for people to remember and internalize. So, I think that's a really important message.
Nicole Lang:
It's so American to just do it and work harder and no pain, no gain. And you're never going to find a fertility book that's like, “Did you think about pruning? Could you cut that? Is that actually showing up?”
I use a quote in my program a lot that's, “No matter how beautiful the strategy, you have to occasionally stop and look at the outcome.” If you're if you're doing yoga five times – I've had a person walk in and start crying in an appointment on first, first visit and I'm like, “What's going on?” And she recited her schedule. That's why she was crying because she had so many things she was doing for her fertility, for her self-care that it was just totally overwhelming her. So, I'm like, “Oh, you should probably maybe not see me or see me less or cut a whole bunch of stuff.”
And Sherry touched on another thing that I really love; it’s just realistic expectations. I think it's so tempting to think I have to get to this perfection or this certain level where my body will want to have a baby or I'll be ready to be a parent, or things could move forward. And it's like that whole idea of maybe I only go to a five instead of a ten. That is perfect; realistic expectations. You're not going for perfection. You don't need to be perfect. This isn't about being merit based or effort based at all. It's really huge.
So, I love that answer so much. And acupuncture, I have a video on my YouTube channel that’s what the research says about frequency and number of treatments and things like that. But absolutely every time I say, “Start with that and then think about what it actually does in your life.” So, if it says this number and that feels like too much, then that is and you'll still get really good results doing the level that actually works in your life and increases that buffer.
Nicole Witt:
Mm hmm.
Sherry:
And I would just add one quick thing on the yoga. Don't be afraid by yoga, all the listeners out there. The yoga classes that we do are super gentle. They're restorative. They're kind of small stretches. And we have lots of props and relaxing. And the ones that we're doing virtual right now, you use pillows and bolsters, whatever you have around your house, roll blankets. They're very relaxing. So, it's nothing like what you see on the web where people are doing head stands and head and poses long. We're not doing any of that. So, if you've never done yoga before. Don't let that scare you. Yoga is really for all.
Nicole Witt:
Okay, important point. Thank you for clarifying that.
So, before we wrap up, I know we've kind of sprinkled this concept throughout the various topics that we've discussed, but is there anything else you want to mention about how working with a person or couple who's pursuing adoption is different than working with those doing fertility treatments in these self-care areas; anything we haven't covered yet or anything you want to add to?
Nicole Lang:
I was really struck, Nicole, with – I listened to the previous episodes of the podcast, your podcast, on the first episode talking about this idea of abundance and I get to and like shifting that. I think there is a real, beautiful shift that is possible here. And so, I encourage people to think about that; like shifting out of the scarcity mindset of forcing and having to, and moving into, “I'm going to cultivate this sense of safety and joy.” And again, that's easier to do in this place where you're not chasing after side effects. Although again, that's a perfectly lovely application to these treatments too or these ideas. There's just a real sort of lovely shift, energetically and logistically, that can happen here with the right kind of framework.
Sherry:
Mm hmm.
Nicole Witt:
Excellent. Excellent. I think that's a great point to wrap up on. I really enjoyed speaking with you, ladies. I've learned a lot.
Nicole Lang:
It's so fun.
Nicole Witt:
Yeah, I just want to thank you again.
And for our listeners, just a reminder. My guests today have been Nicole Lang with The Baby You Want and Life Healing Life. And the best way to contact her is online, either at thebabyyouwant.com or at lifehealinglife.com. And if you sign up for her program, you can use the code ADOPTING (all in capitals – ADOPTING). You can use that code at checkout for fifty dollars off. So, thank you so much for that, Nicole.
Nicole Lang:
It's such a pleasure.
Nicole Witt:
And also thank you, Sherry Longbottom of My Yoga RN. And again, the best way to reach her is at her website, myyogarn.com.
And if you mentioned that you heard about My Yoga RN classes on this podcast, you'll get twenty five dollars off of your first session. So, thank you so much for that generous offer, Sherry.
Sherry:
Thank you so much.
Nicole Witt:
And listeners, most of all, I'd like to thank you for tuning in. I hope you've learned something today that you can immediately apply in your life that may make your family building journey a little less stressful. Please be good to yourselves. Take care and I'll catch you next time. Thanks.