Keeping Your Relationship Strong While Adopting

Adoption is a stressful, life-altering and life-changing experience. It is unrealistic to think that you and your partner will always be in agreement about every part of your adoption. But the relationship with your partner during the adoption process must be prioritized. You will need each other more than ever, during what may be a challenging and divisive time.

Having and maintaining this strength in your relationship will make your adoption - and parenting - possible.

Joining Nicole in this episode is Stephanie Risinger, a foster parent and clinically-licensed marriage therapist from Hopeful and Whole Counseling. If you are in a relationship and trying to adopt a child, here are tips and suggestions that will help you navigate the adoption process with your partner.

Nicole:
Today, we're going to focus on a personal topic related to those who are adopting as a couple, and that is one's relationship with their partner during the adoption process. For some couples, just getting to the point of agreeing to pursue adoption has taken time and compromise. So, they go into it well aware that they will not be in lockstep throughout the whole journey. For others, they've been completely aligned through every part of their family building efforts up until now. So, it can come as an unpleasant surprise to realize that that may not be the case during adoption.

The reality is it's an unrealistic expectation that you and your partner will face every step of the adoption process with the exact same level of knowledge, comfort, excitement, hope, trepidation, and a host of other emotions. You won't. But that's not always a bad thing. Sometimes a differing opinion can help us to look at things more clearly. Plus, it can make your relationship stronger over time.

Nicole:
So, I have a special guest here who's going to walk us through this whole topic. Please join me in welcoming Stephanie Risinger of Hopeful and Whole Counseling. Stephanie is a clinically licensed marriage and family therapist and has over a decade of experience working with women and their families in various reproductive stages, as well as those who foster and(or) adopt. Stephanie's own personal experience becoming a certified foster to adopt parent as well as her professional experience as a therapist, gives her a unique perspective on the topic of managing one's relationship with a partner during the adoption process.

Stephanie has a private practice that serves women and families virtually as well as an in-person location at a 10-acre therapeutic nature center in Kansas. She loves being outdoors and encourages her clients to get out into nature as often as possible. Thanks so much for being with us today, Stephanie.

Stephanie Risinger:
Yes, thank you, Nicole, for having me. I'm so glad to be here.

Nicole:
Oh, it's my pleasure. Why don't we start with your personal adoption story if you're willing to share that with us?

Stephanie:
Yeah. Yeah, I am. Thank you. So, it is unique story. Although I know all adoption stories truly are unique. My husband and I went through a few years of infertility and then had a loss and were continuing to try for another baby. But after having gone through so much already, we decided why don't we start the adoption process while continuing to try for a baby? “One of these has got to come of something at some point”, was our thinking.

And it was something I had always wanted to do. I had worked with kids for a long time. I had worked with kids as a therapist. I had worked with kids who were in the foster care system. And so, it held a special place in my heart. And my husband was finally on board. And so, we chose to foster to adopt after considering some other options, but that's the one that just felt like it resonated most with my experience and our heart.

And it started out an amazing experience. In our training, we met some really incredible people and just felt like we were in such amazing company with other families who either had children already and wanted to expand their family or who were willing to open their home to kids who had experienced challenges within their own family of origin. And it just was the coolest experience. Our friends and family were incredibly supportive as well.

Along the way, though, we hit a snag in our certification process, which was it was something we had no idea what's going to be an issue, and it actually ended up delaying the process by six months. Yeah, it was a long time. So, our entire certification process ended up taking a whole year just to get certified.

So, we were already a bit worn out at this point and then over the next year – So, now we're talking about a 2-year period – Over the next year, we received many calls for potential placements. We said yes to several children and for one reason or another, we never ended up with a placement. And even the social workers we were working with were like, “How is this happening? How is how is it always…” There was always something. I mean, there was even a point where, I mean, where literally, a social worker I had just talked to said, “Okay, I'm picking up the baby from the hospital and then I'm on my way to your house.” And something came up in between those points where that baby never made it to our house.

So, we never ended up with a placement. And once it was time to recertify, after these two years, we were so emotionally exhausted that we actually decided not to recertify and to wrap up that season of our life. So, we did not end up fostering or adopting any children, although we went through that entire experience.

And I know that this is not a happy ending story as far as that piece of it goes. But I think a really important illustration about what we're talking about here; the need to maintain a strong partner relationship, because at the end of the day, that's what we had. We had each other.

Nicole:
Right. Well, thank you for sharing that. I really appreciate that. Before we move forward, I'd like to kind of lay the groundwork here with a pretty basic, but I think critically important question; why is it so important to prioritize a partner relationship during adoption?

Stephanie:
Well, I think to go back to the story I just shared, it was it was our primary relationship. It's the relationship you have first is that partner relationship. Before the child comes along or children that you are fostering or adopting, it's the relationship you have and it'll be the one you come back to after those children are raised and grown. And so, it needs to be the primary relationship that is nurtured. Also, because this process can be really full of joys, which is the part that most people expect. This also can be full of a lot of heartache and disappointment. And so, you'll really need each other during this process and to really support one another through what can be a very challenging time.

Nicole:
Yeah. And Stephanie, I think that is such an important point about how this is the relationship you come back to. And even if everything goes perfectly with your adoption and raising your children, at some point your children leave the house, right?

Stephanie:
Exactly.

Nicole:
And that's the relationship you have. And it's easy to lose sight of that during all of this. So, I think that's such an important perspective. Obviously, every relationship, every marriage goes through various challenges over its course. But what would you say is unique about the adoption process that makes managing one's partner relationship challenging?

Stephanie:
I think in some ways it's similar to a lot of challenging seasons in life where we tend to assume that if the relationship is always already strong, then I don't have to think too much about it because I have these other things I have to think about right now. I really need to focus on this thing of getting through this adoption process and then we can focus on our relationship later. That tends to be the thought.

But really, when there are so many hard decisions to make along the way and within the process, it can actually end up being a really divisive time. Like you had mentioned, on the front end, that there are differing opinions and views that come up along the way. And so, each partner is going to have strong opinions or experiences that have happened in their life. And these decisions that have to be made along the way, these are life altering, life changing experiences. And so, coming back to focusing on that relationship and really supporting and hearing and understanding one another is so key. And that is what is unique about this process, is that there are all of these life altering decisions to be made along the way.

And I think really one other piece of it, too, is those unexpected emotional challenges that can arise from the process. So, things from your own past and your own experiences in life that maybe haven't been dealt with or haven't been thought about in a long time, those things can come up during the process, which can sometimes throw a wrench in your relationship with your partner as well.

Nicole:
Yeah, that's a really important point. Yeah. And circling back to the point that we've referenced a couple of times in terms of partners not being on the same page, can you comment on that in terms of what are realistic expectations for that that, “Oh, my partner is always going to be on the same page as me throughout the process” and how to manage things if those expectations are not met?

Stephanie:
I think the realistic expectation is that you will not be on the same page the whole time. We should go into this process knowing that there will be times where we do not agree, where we do not see things the same way because we're humans; we have different life experiences and different opinions. And things that you may not have thought about before are going to come up. Again, decisions that you have to make or things that you have to face that you hadn't necessarily thought about before. And so, those things may be surprising, but we can expect that we will not agree the whole time.

And I think a way to manage that is, again, to have that expectation that you will not agree and to use that as a time to really hear each other and get a different perspective. Because you may think that your perspective is the right one or the best one, but your partner may also have some valid input about things that you hadn't thought about. So, it's a really great time to listen to each other.

Nicole:
Great. That's a very positive way to look at it and something that couples can take from it that will benefit their relationship going forward, even after this chapter. What are some signs that couples should take heed of that might indicate that they could benefit from counseling throughout this process?

Stephanie:
I think if couples find that they aren't feeling very connected during the process; if they find they're often irritated with one another or arguing a lot. Or on the other end of the spectrum, not really wanting to spend much time together or not talking to each other much. If everything is really just all business all the time, and then we're not connecting otherwise, that may be a time to maybe seek out some counseling.

Or if the adoption process does bring up things from your past that are destructive to the relationship; maybe some past sexual trauma or child abuse, or there could be so many different kinds of traumas that have happened within one's own life or family-of-origin relationships that could be brought to the surface during this time. And if you find that that is disruptive to your partner relationship, then that's a great time to seek some counseling.

Nicole:
And this next question I ask, coming from personal experience. My husband and I are both huge advocates of therapy. But we weren't always; it wasn't something we had thought about early in our lives or ever considered. So, that's my next question. For people who've never considered speaking with a therapist until they face infertility or adoption, and there's often a stigma associated with it. So, what would you say to them to help them get past that and understand how beneficial it can be?

Stephanie:
I want to start by saying therapy is normal. We tend to make it other, sort of in our culture. And definitely, our culture is coming along in this arena. But for a very long time, it was like therapy is for crazy people or for people who have very serious problems. And a lot of times, people think that, “If I'm seeking therapy, that means that that's true about me.” When in reality, reaching out to a therapist is actually a very mature and healthy step to take. So, once one does that, they can already be proud of themselves for doing something that shows that they are healthy or seeking health.

And most of us are not really taught how to manage our emotions or how to have relationships. We basically just use the examples we've seen along the way, and sometimes those examples are helpful and sometimes they are not. And a therapist can help sort those things out.

Nicole:
Excellent. What could a couple expect when they seek out therapy? Meaning, what kind of time commitment and financial commitment might they need to invest?

Stephanie:
That really is going to vary based on the couple and their needs, based on the therapist and the therapist’s fees. It could be, say, a couple hundred dollars over the course of 2 to 3 one-hour sessions, or it could be as much as several thousand dollars and many months of therapy. It really just depends on those really specific needs, as well as the therapist and the way that they do things.

Nicole:
So, that especially the higher end of that of course, and the time as well, can really feel overwhelming to people, especially in the midst of all the other strains on their time and money during adoption.

Stephanie:
Yes.

Nicole:
So, any tips for how one can prioritize that relationship during such a high-stress time?

Stephanie:
Absolutely. Absolutely. Yes, it certainly can feel overwhelming, like you said, especially when there's so much else going on during that time. So, I just want to remind the listeners that, again, this is your primary relationship in your life. We don't need more time as much as we need more energy. And when I say that, that means when we prioritize the most important relationships in our lives, especially this partner relationship, that is actually going to energize us so that we have what we need to be able to tackle all these other hard things.

And I firmly believe that what we make a priority, we can usually make work. We can figure it out. So, that can sometimes mean having to be really creative, to come up with the time or come up with the finances. It could mean asking for help from somebody, financially. It could mean you sell something of value so that you have the finances to pay for this. It could mean cutting back in certain areas in your budget. It could mean, as far as the time is concerned, maybe you meet with a therapist who's available on weekends or in the evenings, or some therapists will do a few hour intensive session on one day rather than several weekly sessions, which might make more sense for you. So, there are truly always options.

And then another recommendation I have for couples who maybe they either can't make this work for whatever reason, or they really just don't necessarily need therapy at this point, but just some kind of help with getting their marriage where they'd like it to be, there's a wonderful book called The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, and it has some really great tools within it that couples can use together to rebuild or really build some intimacy in the relationship.

Nicole:
That's an excellent recommendation. Thank you. In your practice, what is the biggest challenge that you see pre-adoptive couples deal with and what is your advice for it?

Stephanie:
I think the biggest challenge I see is managing the expectations of the process. So, I often hear couples go into the adoption process with a lot of hope and with a sense of guaranteed happy outcome. Now, that doesn't mean that we shouldn't. We have to go into it with hope. We absolutely have to. I think we also need to have an expectation that just like anything related to parenthood, there will be joy and there will be hardship. And we have to know that both can exist together.

And so, that I think is maybe the biggest challenge is helping a couple have realistic expectations without like bursting a bubble of hope that is totally appropriate to have. We can really have both together.

Nicole:
That's a fantastic point. And you're right. I mean, you absolutely have to balance those two things. You have to have hope, but you don't want that to get to the point where you're getting disappointed because of those unrealistic expectations.

Unfortunately, when communication issues arise in a marriage or in a relationship, it can be a bit like the frog in the boiling water analogy, where the couple doesn't really realize that there's a problem until it's a pretty big problem. So, how do you help couples get back on track from that type of scenario?

Stephanie:
Yeah, it really comes back to some very basic things, like just making time for one another. Making time that is just for the two of you, if you already have children, that can be challenging or if you have careers that don't line up, schedule wise, that can be challenging. But again, we want to be creative, if we can be. So, we schedule time to be together that is not focused on a screen.

It also doesn't have to be a high pressure time too. It doesn't have to be, we're going to sit down and we're going to have really important conversations right now because that can just be too stressful. And so, just making time, again, like I said, that is apart from a screen, that's just for the two of you. That can be dinner at home when we put a tablecloth on the table and light a candle. I mean, just that little bit can make it special. So, that it's time just for us playing a game, reading next to each other. These really simple things start to rebuild that connection and rebuild that intimacy with one another that tends to lead to than us being able to deal with the bigger stuff.

Nicole:
And I think you've actually answered a bit of my next couple of questions, but just in case there are some other tools or tips that you want to mention, I want to give you the opportunity to do that. So, in terms of simple things that listeners can do to improve their relationship, you've given the recommendation of the book, which is excellent, and just trying to make those small moments together, making sure they're spending time. Anything else?

Stephanie:
Of course there's therapy, if that's needed. And working on oneself helps with the partner relationship as well. So, it may sound like I'm adding another thing to your already very busy to-do list here, but just even a few moments a day that where you are journaling or meditating or praying or whatever it is that fits in with your sense of purpose and belief system, that you are just having some time that is for you as well to process through your own thoughts, your own feelings of things or even if that means getting your own individual therapy, but making sure we're spending a little bit of time with ourselves as well, then that certainly benefits the partner relationship. Because then things are a bit clearer, too, when the two of you come together, if you have anything that you want to talk about or anything that are challenges, you have a clearer understanding of what it is you're wanting to communicate to your partner.

Nicole:
Great. Now, what happens if there's some key area of the process where the partners just can't come to an agreement? What are their options for moving forward at that point?

Stephanie:
Most of the time, we tend to think that – How do I explain this? We tend to think that those kinds of situations, that there is no wiggle room. We see them as so big and so huge. But there's this really fantastic tool that actually John Gottman, who wrote the book that I mentioned, he came up with where we – If I can sort of conceptualize this for you all – Have a piece of paper and you draw a large circle on it and then you draw a much smaller circle in the center of that large circle. And each partner is going to do this. And in the larger circle is where we're going to write all the things we are willing to budge on; all the things that can be compromised. And right there in that center circle is going to be whatever it is we were not willing to budge on.

So, we notice that in that center circle, there's not much room for a lot of stuff that we won't budge on. But we find that in that outer circle there might be things that we didn't even think about that., “Yes, I can budge on this. I can move on this.” And then when we come together with those things, we find all of these areas of compromise and it makes it a lot easier then to figure out how we can move forward together on something that we thought we didn't agree on.

Nicole:
That's an excellent tool. So, I really appreciate so much of what you're sharing, Stephanie. You've given a lot of fantastic advice to our listeners. Before we wrap up, is there anything else that you want to add? Any last piece of advice you want to leave them with that we haven't already covered?

Stephanie:
Yeah, I do want to say, because I started this podcast episode with a story about an adoption process that failed, I do want to say that there are still plenty of reasons to have hope. I know a lot of times, things like that can sound scary when you hear that before you're starting an adoption process. But our story didn't end there. We have two children now, and I'm not going to go into all the details of that. But somehow, some way, these things worked out. And we do have two children now who we adore.

And so, the fact that we maintained our relationship during these times – And it was not pretty all the time, by the way, it was not easy. But we maintained our relationship – gave us the strength that we needed to be able to get to where we are today. So, I just want to offer that as some additional hope that, yes, there will be challenges and yes, there will be joys and all of that can exist together. And having that strength in your relationship is what's going to make those things possible.

About this Podcast

Join adoption consultant and host Nicole Witt in this illuminating podcast for people who are considering adoption. Get invaluable suggestions and information from respected adoption professionals and guests. If you are getting serious about adopting, you won’t want to miss a single episode of Adopting! The Podcast.