Episode 3 Podcast > Full Transcript
Nicole Witt, Greeting:
Hi, listeners, welcome back to Adopting! The Podcast. I'm so excited to be your host for this journey. I'm Nicole Witt, Executive Director of The Adoption Consultancy, and we guide pre-adoptive parents, step by step, through the adoption journey.
In Adopting! The Podcast, we're going to focus on the issues, the questions and the concerns you have as you get started in your adoption journey. This is for people who are just considering adoption, brand new to adoption or very early in the process, who are trying to get their questions answered and figure out their best path forward, and learn about what to expect and learn about just generally how the process works.
Nicole Witt, Intro:
Continuing on from our previous episodes, if you've now decided that you're ready to delve deeper into exploring adoption, you need to understand the language of adoption. And I know that if you've been through infertility, you've already learned more acronyms and phrases than you ever wanted to know, and now it's time to do it again.
However, with adoption, it's more than just knowing what words to use. It's knowing what words not to use. Adoption is obviously a very emotionally charged topic, and you want to be careful to not inadvertently cause hurt or offense. Unfortunately, many of the common words and phrases that have worked their way into our vernacular do just that.
Furthermore, our words communicate a lot about what we think and value. So, if we're not careful when we're talking about adoption, they can sometimes communicate the idea that adoption is second best to building a family through biological means.
So, today we're going to talk about some of those common and not-so-common expressions. We're going to talk about why some of them can be unknowingly hurtful. And we'll share some of the better accepted alternative phrases.
To help me do this, I'm happy to welcome today's guest, Diane Hogan. Diane is the Founder and General Manager of A Step Ahead Adoption. Diane has a B.S. and M.A. in Education and worked in public education for 20 years, prior to opening the adoption consulting organization known as A Step Ahead Adoption Services in 1999. This company has now been in service to adoptive parents for 21 years. Thanks, Diane, for being here. I really appreciate you.
Diane:
Oh, thank you, Nicole. It's a pleasure to have this opportunity. Not only do I count you as a wonderful colleague, but I can't lose a dear friend.
Nicole:
All right. Thank you, likewise.
Okay, let's jump right in with one of the big ones that I think is probably most common among the general population. Most people don't give it a second thought about the concept it communicates. And that is the concept of calling somebody a “real mother” or a “real father” or a “real parent.” What are some of your thoughts about that expression?
Diane:
You know, this comes up most often, I find, with our adoptive families when their children are in their preteen years. And just like any child from any family, whether it's your biological child or it's an adopted child, when they're in the preteen years, they're looking for that hurtful phrase. And that is usually when it surfaces, when they say, “Oh, you're not my real mom. You're not my real dad.” And my response is, “Oh, well, I really was the one up with you all night when you were running a fever. So, I think I'm pretty real.”
Nicole:
Right, right.
Diane:
I also say, “And your first parent, your birth parent, is also a real parent. They really did parent you for a short period of time, however that amount of time may be.” Maybe it's a child from foster system that was parented for a while before they were in the foster system, or if it's a private adoption and it was a couple of days before they took place, “but they really were parenting you for a couple of days.”
So, I use it across the board. I don't make any differential between adopted or bio.
Nicole:
Yeah, and I think that's a great point. It gets to the whole concept about what makes a parent real. Right?
Diane:
Yeah.
Nicole:
And I think when people use it to refer to their birth families, as a lot of people do, then that implies that the adoptive relationships within a family are maybe not as strong as the blood relationships.
Diane:
I agree.
Nicole:
So, I think the better terms to use are the ones that you and I have been using in terms of “birth parent”, “first family”, those kinds of things.
And the same vein as “real parent” is this idea of “natural parent” as opposed to saying “birth parent” or “biological parent, right?
Diane:
Yes, yes, absolutely. I like that phrase a lot.
Also, I see that this can sometimes come out with friends that don't know better. And so, people forget that they also need to educate their extended family and their friends about the acceptable phraseology and words that they would like to use. So, if a friend, not meaning to be hurtful, says to your child, “Well, is your real mom still in touch with you?” meaning the biological parent, it sort of like it creates a divide already that the child maybe hadn't even thought about.
So, I think it's also a point of reference for the adoptive listeners, the adoptive parents listening to educate your extended village, whether that be your extended family or your dear friends with, “Hey, this is the terminology we use.”
Nicole:
That's a great idea. And also, your point about the child hearing that. I think that's the underlying key point about everything we're talking about here today is children hear these things. And what messages are you sending, either subtly or explicitly, with some of the language that you use? And that's really most important. Yeah.
And so, same thing with the natural parents, real parents; like what makes a parent, unnatural or that kind of thing. So, those are the implications to think that.
Diane:
We're all natural, we're all real.
Nicole:
And yeah. And talking about with the children here, you also hear people use that in terms of “real child” or “natural child.” So, then that applies that they're imaginary or something like, you know, people in the grocery store might see somebody who adopted a child maybe of a different race than them and they say, “Is that your real child?” and what does that communicate to that child?
So, these are really critical ones that people use every day that need to tune into the implications a little bit better.
Diane:
Absolutely.
Nicole:
So, speaking of the child, here's one that a lot of pre-adoptive parents are guilty of, too, which is saying, “My own child” as opposed to “My biological child.” So, I hear from so many potential clients that say, “I've always wanted to adopt in addition to having children of my own” or “We want to have our own children first and then adopt.”
So, do you want to comment on that one a little bit?
Diane:
Well, yeah, that's a time bomb. Thank you so much for giving me that one.
So, when I hear that when I'm doing like what we call a complimentary consultation and I'm talking to somebody and they have had their own children, their biological children, and they go, “Well, we have our own children. We want to add to our own.” I'll say, “Well, let's talk about how you envision that child coming into your home. You envision that child as just – I want to make sure you don't see this as a consolation prize. I don't want you to see this as, “Well, we couldn't have another child naturally or with assisted reproduction. So, we'll go adopt a child.”
That child will nonverbally pick up that they were not the first choice. And you always want to make sure that the children feel equally loved, equally placed in the family, no matter whether it's a first, second, third or fourth child.
And so, I try to kind of snarf that out in those initial conversations and say, “We really need to address that desire you have. And let's get to the heart of that, because maybe adoption isn't your best path.”
And as I've grown through this process with families, I've gotten a little more bold by saying, “Maybe you would be a better candidate family for looking at gestational carrier or embryo adoption or surrogacy.” And I'm amazed how many people haven't even looked at that. And they just may be a better candidate in their view of how that child is enmeshed in their family.
Nicole:
Right.
And how they'll be able to support the child in that experience, most importantly.
Diane:
Correct.
Nicole:
Yeah.
Diane:
Do you mind if I rewind back to something a minute about –
Nicole:
Sure. Go ahead.
Diane:
Okay.
The other thing I wanted to bring up, because I was looking through the agenda and I wanted to just – it's a hot button, but I just want to pull it in about race.
So, let's say you are a trans racial family and I've had this happen where families walk through a grocery store and somebody stops and says, “Oh, your daughter is so beautiful. What country is she from right now?” She might be from another country. I used to respond, “Oh, from the great state of Texas is where my child is from”, because I have a child that is mixed race.
So, I just think that's another point of education for families, is if they are going to be – and that's a whole different topic and I get it – but when it comes to terminology, don't forget to address race, if you're going to be a trans racial family and how you want that expressed to your child and to your extended family and to your friends.
Nicole:
Yeah, absolutely critical. Yep. Okay.
So, jumping back to, you know, as the adoptive parents might refer to the child is as “their child”, not “their adopted child”, just as they would refer to any biological children as “their biological child.”
You know, after the adoption, the adopted children are 100 percent legally the child's parents. So, the parents would just be referred to as a parent, not an adoptive parent. The child would just be referred to as a child.
Diane:
Right.
Nicole:
So, just kind of wrapping that up. But not to take away from the birth parents. Adoptive parents would certainly be used when you need to distinguish between the two. But in everyday life, the parents, the adoptive parents are the parents, the child is the child. There's no need to put these qualifiers on.
Diane:
I would totally agree.
The other thing that I do early on with clients is when it's a new relationship with expectant parents, birth parents, and then you're parenting the child and you're in their presence. Instead of, say, “yours” or “mine”, how about saying “our”?
Nicole:
Right.
Diane:
“It's our child” because that is actually the case. You birth the child. I'm parenting the child. It is our child. And so, I try to come up with inclusive pronouns to use. But I like from their child, our child; I like inclusive pronouns. And I do; I wipe away the adopted in the bio. Just a kid's a kid.
Nicole:
Right. Right.
And I think in adoption in general, you're right. I mean, the more we can be inclusive, the better off we're going to be versus the dividing between groups and so on.
Diane:
Agree.
Nicole:
You know, one that I'm still surprised that I hear, but I do, is referring to a child that that is being placed for adoption or has been placed for adoption as a “unwanted child.”
Do you still hear that?
Diane:
Fortunately, I don't hear that very often. When families are very new to the process and maybe they've watched too much Lifetime TV, then they might be bringing that to the table and I stop them right – That's a hot button for me to stop them right on the dial and I say, “You know what? Every child is wanted. So, don't think that the expectant parent, the birth parent didn't want that child. They want that child and they want to provide what's best for that child, which may not be in their home.”
Nicole:
Right. Right. Yeah.
And I think nothing could be further from the truth, I mean, in most cases. In most cases, they want to parent more than anything, but like you said, they realized that maybe they can't do that in the way that would be best for the child. So, it's a decision made out of sacrifice and out of love, not out of not caring.
Diane
Correct.
Nicole:
Okay.
So, here's another one. And this comes more when we're talking about children placed out of the foster care system. But a lot of times, people refer to that child as the child having been taken away from their biological parents.
Diane:
Yeah.
Nicole:
And although that is certainly a traumatic situation, the phrase implies knowledge about the specifics that people on the outside rarely have. So, you know, I think in most cases, in court termination of parental rights, that tends to be more accurate. Do you have any thoughts on that one?
Diane:
You know, sort of the very simple generic placed; the child placed in the system. And the child could be placed in the foster system by the biological parents. The child could be placed by the court. The child could be placed by a social worker. So, I just use that generic term, “The child was placed into the system.”
It doesn't mean the child was necessarily taken away, because in the foster system, as you and I both know, a lot of biological parents are working really hard to reunify.
Nicole:
Absolutely.
Diane:
{indistinct 13:22 – 23} taken away because guess what? They might be given back.
Nicole:
All right.
Diane:
{indistinct 13:27} way you use those terms. So, I just use the term “placed” and that seems to be less controversial.
Nicole:
Okay. Okay, great.
And then this one, on the one hand it feels kind of old fashioned, but it does come up here and there, and I think the message it sends is really important to not send; is referring to a child that's illegitimate, if they're born to unmarried parents, which would be the better way to say it.
Diane:
Right.
Nicole:
And again, going back to what the child hears, that implies that other children are more legitimate in some way or more valued or more worthy of being part of the family. So, again, I think that's all tying back to the message that the child can interpret.
Diane:
Well, I will just say that's just a big no no.
Nicole:
Right.
Diane:
I will just tell my families, “We do not use that term anymore.” Because there are so many ways that families are created now. And so, there's really no illegitimacy in our culture. I agree with you; every child is a legitimate person. And so, that's kind of like a no-no phrase.
So, you have some of those phraseologies that you can say, “Oh, is it expectant parent or birth parent?” And I know we're going to get to that. And that's always confusing. But illegitimate is just goes on that do-not-say list.
Nicole:
Right.
Now, here is a super common one, maybe the most common; “Give up a baby for adoption.” And so many people just say that without thinking about the implications of it. But the way that we use that phrase and other parts of our lives usually refers to bad habits; “I'm going to give up smoking” or whatever it is.
And I think it's insulting to what the birth mom has thought about and put into this. It implies, like, there hasn't really been much effort on her part with it.
Anything you want to add on that one?
Diane:
Well, “give up” is the same as “put up.” I sometimes have heard that, “Put up a child for adoption.” I actually use this to teach a history lesson, Nicole.
So, when back in the time – if anybody reads about the history of adoption – back at the time of the Georgetown Orphan Trains, they would put a child up on top of the train and they would give that child up by putting it up on top of the train, so the family would adopt that child.
And so, it does hearken back to very harsh times in adoption. And I try to correct people all the time. And unfortunately, it's still used quite a bit in the media. I mean, I cringe, I'm sure you do to.
Nicole:
Yes.
Diane:
Whenever we see an adoption movie and they talk about giving up the child. No, she's made a choice. She made an adoption plan. Or they made a choice. They made an adoption plan.
It's a really hard word to get out of the of the vocabulary, but it's a very important term because, I do, I agree with you. I think it connotes a lot of negativity and a lot of, “She didn't love you.” “He didn't love you.” “They didn't love you.” No, they loved that child {indistinct 16:39}. It's just not where they are in their life to be able to parent.
Nicole:
Yeah, I'm actually going back to sort of those orphan trains. A lot of times the children were – basically, the landowners would select them as field hands. So, they became property of the landowner. So, it's even worse. It takes it to another place. Yeah.
And similar to that one, too, is “Give away for adoption.” So, the same thing; like you said, “Make an adoption plan” is so much better.
And of course, the corollary to that is “Keeping the child” as opposed to “Parenting the child”, which goes back to making the child sound like a possession.
Diane:
A possession. Exactly.
And I think it's really hard, nasty things to talk about in adoption is money. But I think it's really hard for parents looking at private adoption and they feel like, “Well, I am investing all these dollars” and it makes the child feel like it's property. And that's not it.
I try to refocus everybody's mind that whether you know it or not, if you are birthing a child, you are paying an insurance company, you are paying a doctor, you are paying a nurse, you are paying for services. Same thing in adoption; you're paying for services just in a different avenue. So, that way I try to get it away from thinking of it as a possession, as a purchase. It's a means to an end. You've got to pay for services however you bring a child into the world.
Nicole:
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Okay, so let's shift gears to the birth mom, even though obviously we've touched on her already. And one thing that many adoptive parents say, and I think many times with very good intentions, is that they refer to their child's birth mom as “our birth mom” is the way that they put it.
Diane:
Yeah.
Nicole:
And I'm sure there are some birth moms who enjoy that feeling of being part of the whole family, as opposed to just being connected to the child. But I always think that that is something that the family should check with her first and ask her how she responds to that.
Diane:
Right.
Nicole:
Because, again, it also goes back to that idea of a possession; that she belong to them.
Diane:
Mm hmm.
I also think that that's getting a little more challenging right now. So, for example, with our same sex male couples. One of the things they will say to me is, “Well, in a situation with us, the woman birthing the baby will always be the birth mother.” And it seems really natural for them to say, “Our birth mother” and I'm with you. I get it. Why don't you ask her permission?
Nicole:
Right.
Diane:
Some women want to be referred to as the “first mom”, not the birth mom. Some women want to be never have that tag line at all, “Hey, just call me Beth.”
Nicole:
Right.
Diane:
I think it is an appropriate, respectful request to run that by the expectant mom, the birth mom, wherever you are in the adoption plan with her.
Nicole:
Yeah.
And you already referred to this one. And we've been using the term sort of interchangeably here, in terms of birth mom, potential birth mom, expectant mom. So, do you want to touch on some of those a little bit, and also the abbreviations that I can get with them.
Diane:
Yes.
The abbreviation for birth mom is absolutely horrible, BM. And I would tell you behind the scenes, when you're talking with colleagues, it's really simple, when you're typing an email and you're typing a text to say, “B Mom”, “B Mom”, “B M Beth”, whatever.
Usually, we teach anyway, Expectant Mom is the appropriate terminology until she gives birth. And then once she births and she places, she is the birth mom.
Now, we did birth mom for so many years. I am probably the one that's the easiest to gravitate back to always referring to her as a birth mom; whether she's given birth or not.
Honestly, I haven't really incorporated potential birth mom, but sometimes we'll use prospective or potential. But it's usually expectant mom most of the time with us.
What about you all; what do you use?
Nicole:
Yeah.
I mean, I think, expectant mom, the message that that sends, I think is the best one. Because, again, up until she gives birth and places the child, she is an expectant mom, just as every other pregnant woman is an expectant mom. So, the same terminology that you would use for the other women seems to make the most sense.
You're right. You know, when you're using these phrases, sort of nonstop, in and out every day, it is easier to use the shorter ones. It's easier to use the abbreviations. But, you know, I think especially, again, when you're talking about who is the audience, is there a child that might hear or see this, that's when people need to be especially careful. And when there isn't that audience, that's a great time to be developing the proper habits. in terms of what to say and what not to say.
And like you said, the abbreviations, I never BM abbreviation, no matter how long of a message I'm typing. I do sometimes type PBM for prospective birth mom, EM or E Mom, for expectant mom.
Diane:
Right.
Well, and I think adoptive parents listening to this podcast, be very mindful of social media. That is, my gosh, that's the biggest, hottest trigger it's ever is if you type something in social media, whatever you're posting1, you can start an entire diatribe.
So, you before you hit, I think sometimes you have to check your emotion, before you hit “Submit” or “Send” or “Enter” or whatever, could you reread your post and make sure that – You don't know who the audience is. The audience could be that child that was placed out of the foster care system and they're very tender. You don't know who's looking at your post to.
Nicole:
Right.
Diane:
So, you really be mindful and pull your emotion out first before you hit, click, and it goes out to the world.
Nicole:
Good general life advice as well.
Diane:
It's okay. Yes.
Nicole:
Okay.
So, this one comes into play more with international adoption, but the children are often referred to as “Available Children” or “Adoptable Children.”
Generally, I find it's better to say, “Waiting Child”, which is subtle but has less of a connotation regarding their suitability for adoption.
Diane:
Yes, I would agree. I would agree.
And because we don't work with too many international situations, but you'll also see this in the foster care system now, because you've got those big broad boards like, Adopt US Kids.
Nicole:
Right.
Diane:
And it'll say, “Children available for adoption.” I mean, unfortunately, it's in the vernacular. But I'm with you, “Children Waiting”, Children interested in families”, Families interested in children”, I mean, kind of turn it around a little bit. And again, try to take it away from thinking of the child as property. That's the hardest part.
Nicole:
Yeah, absolutely.
On the point of international, just related to that phrase, international adoption or intercountry adoption, those are phrases that are generally much better to use than foreign adoption, which has kind of fallen out of favor anyway, but it does have that slight negative connotation.
And the children used to be more often referred to as “a foreign child”, which now I think more people say “a child from abroad” or “a child adopted internationally” makes a bit more sense.
Diane:
I'd agree.
Nicole:
Okay. So, moving on to a bit later in the process, do you want to distinguish between the terms, adoption failure and adoption disruption? Because those can be very easily confused.
Diane:
I do. And this is kind of a strong point with me, because I think sometimes adoptive parents like to get into almost like a victim stance sometimes. So, let's say that a birth mother does not pick you, and you are not matched, I've heard some people refer to that, “Well, I've already had one adoption failure.” “What? They do {crosstalk 25:06}.”
Nicole:
All right.
Diane:
And conversely, they could choose you and you could say no. Are they going to say, “Oh, I've already had a failure?”
So, when you are matched and then it falls apart by a choice, either by the adoptive parent or the expected parent, I refer to that as a disruption. The child is not born yet. The plan has disrupted. It hasn't necessarily failed. It has disrupted.
Once the child is born and we fail to make a placement, then to me that is a true adoption failure. And then you can start, if you're certain your little tick board and you're {crosstalk 25:44} your disappointments, then you could put that in the failure column.
But I do distinguish just because I think, again, I try to always put a more positive spin on it. Yes, we don't want to put our head in the sand and say that disruption and failures don't happen. They do. But if we focus on that, we're kind of bringing all that negativity to us.
Nicole:
Right.
Diane:
And you're going to hear a little bit of like, “Oh, karma.” And that's how I feel. You know, call positively, the positive will find you.
Nicole:
Right.
Okay, so when a child gets older, they may want to have contact with their birth parents. And if the adoption has been semi open or fully open, that's often a non-issue and is the matter of a quick phone call or text. But if the parties have fallen out of contact or were never in direct contact, it can take more effort.
And this process is often colloquially – That's always a hard word to say – colloquially referred to as “Tracking down the parents.” But inherent to that is an assumption that those parents don't want to be found, which is rarely the case.
What terms do you use for that?
Diane:
So, most of the time, because most of our families are doing open or semi open adoptions, that does not flare. However, we have had some families in the past where the child was placed early in their life with the adoptive parents and then the birth mom went on and just lost contact.
Nicole:
Right.
Diane:
They will call me and say, “We're trying to search for MaryAnn's birth mother.” I like the term “Search for” or “Get in contact with” or “Make a connection” versus “Track down.” Track down would say to me, “Oh, we've got the FBI on our tail.”
Nicole:
Right. Right.
Nicole:
{indistinct 27:37} whatever let it come out that way, it sounds like there's some legal reason.
Nicole:
Right.
It sounds like they were criminal or something.
Diane:
Exactly.
So, we're trying to connect. We're trying to make contact. Those are the preferred words that I teach.
Nicole:
Okay, perfect.
Okay, so the penultimate one is a big one and it's another one that people say without giving it much thought. And that is referring to an adoptee as someone who “is adopted” as opposed to “was adopted.” Do you want to comment on that?
Diane:
Yes.
Adoption is a process. Adoption is not your identifier. I was adopted when I was five days old by Diane and Pat Hogan, I am their son. That's all people need to know.
Sometimes, in people wanting to celebrate adoption, they will lead with, “And so and so is an adopted child. Oh, that's great.”
Then conversely, I cringe when I see it in the news media, “This and that person were shot and their child was adopted.” Like, what? Did adoption make them shoot these people? No, something else created that.
So, I just referred to adoption as the process. And when I'm talking to a family and I say, “We're with you through finalization and that is the end of the adoption process. Then you're just now are a family. You're a family that was created through adoption.” So, again, try to turn it around in a more positive vein.
Nicole:
Yeah.
And actually on that last point, a family that was created through adoption, I think focusing on that they became parents through adoption or they grew their family through adoption, that puts the focus more on the parents’ process than making the focus a characteristic of the child. Right?
Diane:
Yes, absolutely.
Nicole:
And a corollary to this whole concept of using the word adopted as an adjective, you know, when people say, and we kind of touched on this earlier, “My adopted child”, it implies that their position in the family requires some sort of qualification. And that there's a different value placed on this particular qualification than on a person that doesn't require it.
So, yeah, I think focusing on the process that the parents chose to go through is the better way to go.
Diane:
Well, and the other thing is, I think, when families have become parents through, as I call it, the miracle of adoption – So, I still see it as a miracle – that they're so in love with it and they just want to almost emotionally vomit in a positive way all the time. And they're going to slip up.
And I just want to make sure people don't sit back and go, “Oh, darn it. What was I thinking?” It is okay. As you practice wording and phraseology, practice before you take placement of a child. I just even say do mock conversations; like pretend grandma and grandpa are sitting in front of you, how are you going to talk to them about this?
And again, kind of practice it before the child is in your home. Some parents, I understand, are uncomfortable doing that. They just feel like, “Oh, I can't go there emotionally. I just don't believe it's going to happen. I'll do it when the kid is here.” I'm like, “Oh, you know, you just don't realize; you're going to be sleep deprived and stupid stuff is going to come out of your mouth.”
But at the same token, don't beat yourself up because you're just trying to learn and grow with this process.
Nicole:
That's a really great point. And I appreciate you making that.
Diane:
Yeah.
Nicole:
One final thing that's slightly tangential, but we'd be remiss if we didn't address it is the comments that adoptive parents so often hear, such as “he or she is so lucky that you adopted him or her” or “It's so wonderful that you're giving this child a better life” or “You're such good people for adopting and helping a child in need.”
Do you want to touch on why that is problematic?
Diane:
Sure.
I turn it around every single time; “Oh, no. I'm the lucky one.” “Oh, I am fortunate that she found me or he found me” because I want the child to feel like they had ownership, that they just weren't a pawn on a chessboard, that they were passed from one corner to another corner.
I know we talk about the triad all the time, but I always talk about the child is the most important piece of that triad. And so you always have to think of how is that going to impact them?
I'm the lucky one that I was chosen, that I was selected, that I was picked by whomever. And you were part of that, whether you knew what was going on at the time or not. So, I just kind of turn it around and flip it on back on me.
Nicole:
Yeah.
And some of the things that we tend to hear from adult adoptees now is that the reason that can be harmful is because it ignores any grief the child may feel as a result of their adoption. And it may even make them feel like they owe something to their adoptive parents, that they should feel grateful or even indebted to their adoptive parents. And that is not a healthy parent-child relationship in that situation.
Diane:
Yeah.
Nicole:
So, yeah, people can just say, “What a beautiful family” or “I'm happy for your family” instead of those other messages.
Diane:
Well, and again, it's what I call playground talk. It's like be careful when you are talking to your neighbors, whose kids might go to school with your kids, because whatever you say is part of their adoption story. And if your bestie lives right next door to you and your kids are going to grow up together and you're just so excited and you just kind of tell too much about that child's history, and then they're playing on the playground and their child says something that you feel like, “Oh, my gosh, I didn't want that cat to come out of the bag.” Well, you let the words out.
So, you need to think all the time; how is your child going to view this? What am I saying? Who am I saying it to? I'm not going to say anything to a friend, a neighbor or a family member that I don't want to say in front of my child. And I think that's the best way to edit yourself.
And again, when you're a brand new parent through adoption, you're so excited, you just talk maybe sometimes, too much. And then it'll come back on the playground, every single time.
Nicole:
Yeah.
I know, that's great advice. And again, I think so many of these are just such common phrases that people say and don't think about. So, taking that moment to stop and think about how might this be interpreted by the child is really just a great rule of thumb for all of the language around adoption.
Diane:
Absolutely.
Nicole:
Well, I think that really covers a lot of the key phrases that we hear.
Diane:
You doing a great job. You had a nice list. And yes, I think those are the primary sticking points for a lot of folks. And again, just if they're new to adoption, if they could just practice this, if they are watching a movie and they hear a language going in a different direction, realize when was that movie created? And maybe that wasn't current appropriate, what we call positive adoption language. And you might just have to keep educating yourself until that that phraseology and those terminologies come out naturally.
Nicole:
Perfect way to wrap up. Thank you so much, Diane, for being here.
Diane:
Thank you, Nichole.
Again, Diane Hogan is the Founder and General Manager of A Step Ahead Adoption. And you can find her at astepaheadadoption.com.
And as always, I want to thank our listeners for being here with us today. And we hope that we are able to help you on your journey. Take care.