How To Take On Difficult Conversations In Adoption

We Need to Talk!


When someone speaks those four little words to us, it typically triggers a Red Alert response. Our stomach drops, hearts pound, and thoughts race. We wonder what we did wrong. We stress about how to repair the issue. That’s because our human brains have a negativity bias. We are programmed to monitor for danger.

But when we are involved in an adoption, even if it feels uncomfortable, it is vital that we talk about adoption in all of its complexity - the good, the bad, and the ugly. We can consider these adoption-connected discussions as Difficult Conversations. Or we can reframe them and choose to see them as Essential Conversations for fully supporting adopted children. It is a core way of embodying our love for our children and meeting their needs. Essential Conversations become the building blocks of an honest, safe, and loving relationship.

Talking about adoption enables parents to understand what their child is thinking, feeling, and experiencing, and it helps construct a healthy, loving family culture. Such conversations acknowledge the challenges as well as the joys of family life and address them.

Think of how you feel when people dismiss or minimize the challenges you've experienced. Then recall how it felt when someone acknowledged and validated your experience. Feel that difference. It’s powerful and therapeutic.

We embody that difference - that validation - when we see and discuss the hard things about adoption with our children. This builds trust and connection. Talking about adoption establishes a family culture that says we can discuss anything and everything together. We can handle things together. We share joys and losses, worries and anticipations, happiness and anxiety, dreams and dreads. Openness assures our children that nothing is too hard, painful, or shameful to discuss. We are both willing and able to handle it together. Reassure your children that their job is not to protect you. Their job is to grow, thrive, and become fully themselves.

Good communication requires open-mindedness and curiosity

Expectations, beliefs, and presuppositions create a lens that shapes what we see—and blinds us to what lies beyond our current field of vision. What is unseen becomes unacknowledged, unaddressed, and rendered invisible. So, it is vital that we examine the expectations, beliefs, and presuppositions we hold about adoption. Unexamined beliefs about the adoption experience tend to deny or minimize its complexities.

We also want to be curious about what our children are genuinely thinking, feeling, fearing, and anticipating. If we are in the know, we are part of the process. We can provide insight, understanding, empathy, guidance, and loving support. We want to be in the arena of life with them instead of deluding ourselves that everything is perfect. Adoption is too complicated - and the challenges too real - for perfection. In reality, adoption will be a shared journey of facing life head-on. Together.

Choose to attune. Attune. Attune. Validate their experience. When they open up and share, thank them for trusting you enough to talk about it. Avoid minimizing or gaslighting them. Ask what they would like you to do: simply listen? Offer solutions? Something else?

Positivity bias

Remember to check yourself for a positivity bias. Are we being genuinely open-minded and curious about their experience? Stay aware of your body language. Is it welcoming or telegraphing a subtle - or not so subtle - message that you want your children to “accent the positive” when they discuss adoption? Have we conveyed, consciously or unconsciously, that we are uncomfortable or unwilling to hear about the darker thoughts and feelings adoption might elicit? Is adoption complexity our Pandora’s box that we secretly want to keep padlocked?

Being comfortable with Difficult Conversations

The more we have these conversations, the easier they get for us and our children. Talk about adoption complexity from the very beginning, when children are young. Books can be an excellent way to start conversations about adoption. Sharing the same book creates a “togetherness” beyond the words and the physical closeness. It builds intimacy, shared interest, and focused attention. Kids thrive on that.

Be sure your family library includes books that reflect the total adoption experience, not exclusively the positives. Also ensure that they focus on the child’s experience, not the parents’ experience.

Routinely plant conversation seeds

Everyday opportunities will appear that allow us to spontaneously mention adoption. When we observe our child display a trait or interest that might originate with their birth family, mention it. I wonder if your birth mom or dad is artistic like you? If the child responds, let the conversation flow gently. If they don’t seem interested, let it go. The seed has been planted, and a message of openness and willingness to listen has been conveyed.

Language Matters

Language identifies and shapes how we relate to each other. Word choice reveals mindset, judgments, and attitudes. Words can convey respect - or its absence. Always avoid Toxic Language. Consider these similar-sounding words. Pause to notice their emotional subtext. Use words that honor people’s personal preferences. Preferences may evolve over time, so periodically check which terms they prefer.

Adopter / adoptive parents / parents

First parents / natural parents / birth parents / biological parents / parents

Genetic parent

Raising parent

Gestational parent

Adoptee / adopted person / adopted child / adopted adult

Influence of a positivity bias

For example, many adoptive parents refer to their child’s adoption as a miracle. Adoption is more complicated for the adoptee. Their experience originates in loss and the trauma of being separated from their first family. Unsurprisingly, adoptees have a multilayered view of adoption - one that is BOTH happy and sad. Avoid minimizing or dismissing their concerns, complaints, or criticisms. Listen and learn. Be with them in their sadness and discomfort.

If your child wants to continue the conversation, follow their lead. If not, simply allow the topic to linger in their minds. If you engage frequently and with genuine curiosity, kids will feel that. That’s the first step. Then, reassured by your openness and acceptance, they will talk when they are ready.

How will you initiate an Essential Conversation about adoption this week?

Recommended resource: Adoption Paradox: Putting Adoption in Perspective by Jean Kelly Widner